HALLOWEEN! YAY! SIGH....YAWN

Yes, it's that time of year again--my annual check for sexually transmitted diseases. You can catch a lot off a toilet seat, you know. Oh, and it's also Halloween.

What is it about adulthood that dulls our enthusiasm for holidays? Remember when you were a kid? Halloween was bigger than anything. You couldn't wait to rot your teeth on all that sugary goodness. Even your (mostly) honest mother used the old excuse that your neighbors might have slipped razor blades into your Bit O' Honey so she could take the opportunity to level a "candy tax" on your ass. All in the name of protecting the children. Et tu, Mother? Parents, think about what kind of rest home you'd like to be living in a few decades from now before you rip off too many of those fun size Snickers bars.

Speaking of the razor blades, when did that ever actually happen? Did you know anyone in your neighborhood who was capable of that? It couldn't have been the Jehovah's Witnesses. They were too busy racing to turn off every light in the house. They didn't have time.

Not a Jehovah's Witness

This is all beside the point, though. Now, as adults, we don't care about Halloween. It's just another hassle. Buy an overpriced costume, buy candy for those rotten children your neighbors keep crapping out, buy decorations, spend, spend, spend! No thank you. I'm going to become a Jehovah's Witness. Then I can finally justify forgetting everyone's birthday.

MCCAIN PULLS OFF UPSET; DIES IN HIS SLEEP

Precise moment of death.

It could happen (the dying part, not the winning part). That would put Sarah Palin in charge, marking only the second time in my life that I'd like to squeeze the boobies of a President.

"Yes, they are real. And as you can see,
they're spectacular. Down with commies!"

WANNA PARTY?

I was watching the World Series the other night and something occurred to me--baseball is boring. I know this isn't news to a lot of you, but there was a time when I actually enjoyed watching grown men adjusting their jocks, spitting, scratching themselves, and halfheartedly jogging 90 feet after a slow roller back to the mound. Yeah, I don't know either. Good thing I was entertaining a couple of midget hookers and a mountain of cocaine or my night would've been wasted on America's pastime. Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio?

She's half midget, half zebra, and all wildcat.

WHAT CAN I SAY, I'M AN OPTIMIST

No one's going to be reading this blog for a while, so it will give me a chance to work out the kinks. I've taken the shotgun out of my mouth and I'm saving up for a talent transplant, so things should really be looking up for me in the future.

We're coming up on November and it's made me realize that this is the most important election of our lifetimes. At least, that's what homos and filthy hippies keep saying. I guess if you want a court's blessing to anally pound each other in holy matrimony or to destroy the economy to save some frogs, it probably would be pretty important to you. But what about the remaining 18% of us who still like members of the opposite sex and want to keep our jobs? Why should we care about this election?

I'm glad you asked, even though you didn't. The answer is, you shouldn't. It doesn't matter who you vote for. The courts will overturn everything you want anyway. Your best bet is to join a separatist movement, preferably the Metal Militia or Kiss Army, move to Idaho and dig yourself in for the inevitable ATF raid on your fortified compound.

"Keep America safe for straight folks like us!"

If you're lucky, you can sell your story to CBS for a TV movie about your life starring the fat dude from Cold Case.

"I'm just big boned."

As for me, I have no intention of moving to Canada if Barack wins next week. That would be like moving to San Francisco to get away from West Hollywood. The fact is, there isn't much you can do. The vast majority of people who vote really shouldn't do so because they're a)retarded, b)too lazy to be informed, c)human beings, or d)other. Cheer up, people. We might get lucky. Comets crash into planets all the time in the universe.