JESUS IS JUST ALRIGHT WITH ME

Jesus Christ announced at a sparsely attended news conference today that he will be retiring as Lord and Savior of the world. "I've been thinking about it a lot lately, especially after I tore my ACL," the Israeli-born son of God said. "I figured it was time to hang it up. I've had a good run, but I wanted to go out on my own terms, not get pushed out like so many guys who stick around past their prime."

This comes on the heels of Barack Obama's historic victory in the 2008 US Presidential race. The Alpha and Omega said that he had heard great things about Obama, and felt confident that the newly elected leader would be able to assume the vacated role of Prince of Peace. When asked if he voted for Obama, Jesus replied, "Are you kidding? He's a little bla...uh, I mean, liberal for my tastes." Christ plans to retire to Palm Beach County in Florida, an area known for its heavy support for friend-of-the-Jews Pat Buchanan in the 2000 election.

Obama will now focus on making the transition to the Presidency, including formulating plans to follow through on his promises to reduce sea levels using magic, grow money on trees to give to people who don't work or pay taxes, tax business into oblivion without affecting the economy, stop terrorism by being really nice, harness naivete and white guilt to make power and solve our energy crisis, and look super cool to spoiled Ivy League womens' studies majors.

"God damn America! LOL!"

WHAT CAN I SAY, I'M AN OPTIMIST

No one's going to be reading this blog for a while, so it will give me a chance to work out the kinks. I've taken the shotgun out of my mouth and I'm saving up for a talent transplant, so things should really be looking up for me in the future.

We're coming up on November and it's made me realize that this is the most important election of our lifetimes. At least, that's what homos and filthy hippies keep saying. I guess if you want a court's blessing to anally pound each other in holy matrimony or to destroy the economy to save some frogs, it probably would be pretty important to you. But what about the remaining 18% of us who still like members of the opposite sex and want to keep our jobs? Why should we care about this election?

I'm glad you asked, even though you didn't. The answer is, you shouldn't. It doesn't matter who you vote for. The courts will overturn everything you want anyway. Your best bet is to join a separatist movement, preferably the Metal Militia or Kiss Army, move to Idaho and dig yourself in for the inevitable ATF raid on your fortified compound.

"Keep America safe for straight folks like us!"

If you're lucky, you can sell your story to CBS for a TV movie about your life starring the fat dude from Cold Case.

"I'm just big boned."

As for me, I have no intention of moving to Canada if Barack wins next week. That would be like moving to San Francisco to get away from West Hollywood. The fact is, there isn't much you can do. The vast majority of people who vote really shouldn't do so because they're a)retarded, b)too lazy to be informed, c)human beings, or d)other. Cheer up, people. We might get lucky. Comets crash into planets all the time in the universe.