WHAT CAN I SAY, I'M AN OPTIMIST

No one's going to be reading this blog for a while, so it will give me a chance to work out the kinks. I've taken the shotgun out of my mouth and I'm saving up for a talent transplant, so things should really be looking up for me in the future.

We're coming up on November and it's made me realize that this is the most important election of our lifetimes. At least, that's what homos and filthy hippies keep saying. I guess if you want a court's blessing to anally pound each other in holy matrimony or to destroy the economy to save some frogs, it probably would be pretty important to you. But what about the remaining 18% of us who still like members of the opposite sex and want to keep our jobs? Why should we care about this election?

I'm glad you asked, even though you didn't. The answer is, you shouldn't. It doesn't matter who you vote for. The courts will overturn everything you want anyway. Your best bet is to join a separatist movement, preferably the Metal Militia or Kiss Army, move to Idaho and dig yourself in for the inevitable ATF raid on your fortified compound.

"Keep America safe for straight folks like us!"

If you're lucky, you can sell your story to CBS for a TV movie about your life starring the fat dude from Cold Case.

"I'm just big boned."

As for me, I have no intention of moving to Canada if Barack wins next week. That would be like moving to San Francisco to get away from West Hollywood. The fact is, there isn't much you can do. The vast majority of people who vote really shouldn't do so because they're a)retarded, b)too lazy to be informed, c)human beings, or d)other. Cheer up, people. We might get lucky. Comets crash into planets all the time in the universe.