BATTLEFIELD EARTH

Some people are happy and some people are sad about yesterday's election outcome. What most of them don't understand is that it doesn't matter who won because in 2012, the space aliens and the Mayans will team up with Mel Gibson to defeat Indiana Jones and the kid from Transformers to destroy the world anyway. It's in the Bible. Don't you feel foolish now?

The Intergalactic Unholy Axis of Allies

What really makes me sad is that Sarah Palin will be going away now. She's hot--and not in that way politicians are usually described as hot. Bill Clinton was not hot. He was fat, pasty, and creepy.

"I win, cripple!"

Sure, Palin has that shrill, inexplicably Midwestern sounding accent, but who cares? Just turn the sound off. That's what Obama voters did for the last year.

There she is, Miss Vice President (First Runner Up)

But what about that other prominent female politician?

"I'm sorry America, I'm afraid I can't do that."

That's ok, we don't mind.

MCCAIN PULLS OFF UPSET; DIES IN HIS SLEEP

Precise moment of death.

It could happen (the dying part, not the winning part). That would put Sarah Palin in charge, marking only the second time in my life that I'd like to squeeze the boobies of a President.

"Yes, they are real. And as you can see,
they're spectacular. Down with commies!"