STUMP THE BLOGGER

I'm sitting down so much in an average day that my lower body has started to shut down. Well, most of it, anyway. Eventually I'll have to amputate my legs. I will, of course, perform the surgery myself. You people with high deductibles on your health insurance understand where I'm coming from.

This is not funny.

I plan to use a rusty butter knife and some Ben Gay for anesthesia. Afterward, I will forego a wheelchair in favor of propelling myself monkey-style with my massively powerful arms. I will move back to my old neighborhood, which has a higher than average number of midgets. There, I will feel more at home with people who, like me, resemble circus people. In a good way.

Totally not funny.

My goal is to prove that even without legs, I can continue to live the mostly unproductive life that I had before I became a scary freak that you should awkwardly stare at as we pass each other. I'm not a hero. I just believe in America. So as you wipe that single, crimson tear rolling down your cheek, overcome with emotion as you are, just remember one thing. I'm better than you.

At half staff in honor of my legs. And probably some dead guy, too. Git 'er done!