STUMP THE BLOGGER

I'm sitting down so much in an average day that my lower body has started to shut down. Well, most of it, anyway. Eventually I'll have to amputate my legs. I will, of course, perform the surgery myself. You people with high deductibles on your health insurance understand where I'm coming from.

This is not funny.

I plan to use a rusty butter knife and some Ben Gay for anesthesia. Afterward, I will forego a wheelchair in favor of propelling myself monkey-style with my massively powerful arms. I will move back to my old neighborhood, which has a higher than average number of midgets. There, I will feel more at home with people who, like me, resemble circus people. In a good way.

Totally not funny.

My goal is to prove that even without legs, I can continue to live the mostly unproductive life that I had before I became a scary freak that you should awkwardly stare at as we pass each other. I'm not a hero. I just believe in America. So as you wipe that single, crimson tear rolling down your cheek, overcome with emotion as you are, just remember one thing. I'm better than you.

At half staff in honor of my legs. And probably some dead guy, too. Git 'er done!

WHO ARE YOU? WHO WHO, WHO WHO? I'M FABULOUS!

Why does every guy on those CSI shows look like a fashionable homosexual? The safest place on earth has got to be Studio 54. Who would dare commit a murder there?

"Man, I just wanna dance!"

Poor Gary Sinise. He looks like a man who knows he's got another 20 minutes to wait before that bowel movement comes out. The most wooden actor in Hollywood somehow got stuck on a show with preening runway model scientists/cops/expert interrogators.

"Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto."

Let's not even get started with David Caruso. Sunglasses don't disguise the fact that you're 90 years old. You suck, David Caruso. Your acting is so hammy, you could play Batman.

Can you tell who's who?

And thanks for ruining not one, but three great Who songs. Now when I hear them, I have to think of those crappy shows instead of whether Pete Townshend is a child molester. Yeahhhhhhhh!

DUST IN THE WIND

Wouldn't it be great if old people were forced into euthanasia at age 65? How does that benefit you? Let us count the ways.

1) The cost of a round of 18 holes would come crashing down because of light demand, a good thing for Asians and those of us on a tight budget.

"No biggie. We'll still have 2 billion people."

2) My dream of fitting all human beings with flashing red lights on the palms of their hands, like in Logan's Run, would finally come true.

It's good for reading at night, too.

3) Pussy politicians won't have to worry about reforming Social Security. Just keep it. No one will ever get their money anyway. Now the government can spend it on worthy causes like the Anal Cancer Institute of Concord, California.

The Anal Cancer Institute

4) You can finally stick it to your dad, like you always wanted to. With dignity, of course.

"Kids, stop throwing flowers on Grandma. She's not dead yet."

5) All my high school teachers will be eligible.

Bet you wish you didn't give me a C in English now, Mr. Dingleberry.

6) And finally, because unlike Trix, abortion isn't just for kids.

A FLAMING GOOD TIME

The other night, I was driving downtown, looking to score some ice cream. But what I got instead was anything but cold. That sounded like a line from World's Wildest Police Videos, didn't it? Anyway, I saw an apartment building on fire. It was great! For some reason, you don't think to feel sorry for the people who live there. You're too into the moment, enjoying the show. Fire is mesmerizing. I'll have to remember arson as an option the next time I'm looking to kill someone without all the guilt. Sociopaths are so lucky. Sigh.

"This wrong way driver just bought himself a one way ticket to a dead end jail cell. Damn, I'm good!"

Not only do I not feel sorry for those people, I actually envy them. Who wouldn't want to go out like that, man? I would've been up on that roof, doing one of those movie-stuntman-on-fire staggering falls off the edge. I'd make sure a friend was filming the whole thing too, so they could sell it to Faces of Death. Give me undeserved fame or give me death. Or both.

It hurts so good!

THANK YOU FOR SMOKING

In my search for a career that provides the most money for the least amount of effort, nothing holds a candle to voiceover work. We've all sat in movie theaters listening to that guy with emphysema tell us that only one man can stop the forces of lazy scriptwriting and movie star vanity from destroying the world. That guy gets paid a hell of a lot, in case you weren't aware. The only real drawback is that I would need to start smoking 4 packs a day to get rid of that pesky crack in my voice that just barely prevents me from sounding like Satan's apprentice.

Let's nuke our bodies for Christmas, everyone!

Smoking copious amounts of tobacco is the key to success and riches. Just look at Swayze. He smoked so much that his pancreas got cancer. It bypassed the lungs altogether. That's impressive. And his pancreas rewarded him with seemingly divine inspiration to make Roadhouse, the most hilarious movie of all time. Many people will argue that the film was not meant to be funny, but you, me, Swayze, and his pancreas know otherwise. Keep enjoying that smooth flavor, buddy. Nobody puts Swayze in a corner.

RETURN OF THE KING

What a fabulous vacation I had. But after the overwhelming and persistent demands of as many as two readers of the blog, we're back in production. Lately, I've really let myself go. My hair is unkempt and long, my beard has gone unshaven. I'm like the Geico caveman: hairy, unfunny, and annoying. And if you say, "Oh, I love those commercials," then you are officially gay. And not the hip, trendy I-like-dudes gay. I mean the super lame gay.

Caveman or Mickey Rourke?

Maybe I should start dating again. That might motivate me to raise my appearance from disturbing to slightly embarrassing. Would it be worth it? Absolutely not. But perhaps I'm bitching and complaining too much. As my BFF Clint Eastwood always said to me as we smoked cigars and played pinochle, "Stop bitching and complaining. The thing that was just spoken was said by me, Clint Eastwood."

True story.

EUROTARDED

Here's another story about Germans blowing things up and killing people.

"A German charged with murder for causing a gas explosion that destroyed half an apartment building and killed his neighbor, told a court Wednesday he was only trying to kill himself because he was lovesick."

That's what you get for banning guns, dummies. An American would've just shot himself in the head. And, as a bonus for humanity, he probably would've taken out the ex, too.

The accused

When informed that the one fatality was Jewish, a look of relief swept over the young Berliner's face. "Every cloud has a silver lining, I guess," he said. Add some tuneless techno music and you've got yourself a German movie.

CELEBRITY DIARY: LINDSAY LOHAN

Dear Diary,

Me and Samantha are so pissed about Prop 8 failing in California. Wait...did it pass or fail? Well, either way Samantha says we're totally cheesed off about it. Ever since I realized halfway through our relationship that Samantha isn't a guy, my awareness and sensitivity toward gay issues has been heightened. Actually, Samantha wrote that last line. I don't even know what that means.

The great thing about Samantha is how she's helped me evolve from a drug addled, alcoholic skank to a washed up, drug addled, alcoholic lesbian. Sometimes I can barely comprehend the incredible progress I've made in my life. I mean, is there anything nobler than feigning lesbianism to gain publicity for my sagging career? I think not.

We went to the protest at the Mormon temple the other day. How dare they participate in the democratic process! Who do they think they are, American citizens? But we know the people are on our side. They recognize that vapid celebrities with a vague understanding of politics and eighth-grade educations contribute far more to society than a bunch of religious people who I know absolutely nothing about other than what I read on signs at the protest. Did you know that Mormons have horns? I thought only Jews did. You learn something new every day, I guess. God, I wish these religious nutjobs would read the Constitution once in a while. It talks all about separation of like church and state and stuff, right after the part about the right to privacy. Some people are so miseducated.

IT'S A C-O-N...SPIRACY

Am I just imagining things or is half the country obsessed with ridiculous conspiracy theories? I know the public education system has been churning out retards for a couple generations now (thanks hippies!), but I'm still a little surprised by it all. We'll give black people a pass on this one, since the government really did carry out a conspiracy against them called slavery for a few years back in the day. If that happened to your people, you'd probably believe the CIA introduced crack into the inner city, too. I mean, you're still a retard if you believe that, but we'll give you a pass anyway. You're welcome.

"George Bush doesn't care about my record...in stores now!"

At the risk of offending half my friends (half of zero is still zero, so oh well), the most gullible people on earth are 9/11 conspiracy geeks. You've seen their videos on YouTube. Well, maybe you do productive things with your life and haven't seen them. I, on the other hand, have seen them in all their gloriously uninformed stupidity. Apparently, 9/11 was an inside job, according to my neighbor's bumper sticker. I also learned that hate is not a family value, skateboarding is not a crime (even though we all know it is), and contrary to the popular belief that no, we can't...yes, we can.

Thanks for the info.

What these people refuse to accept is that their obsession with conspiracies has nothing to do with 9/11, crack, the AIDS virus, OJ, Janet Reno, etc. It has to do with them being meaningless specks in a universe they have no control over. It's easier to live with yourself when you believe you're fighting some kind of noble fight against the forces of evil. You got rid of God when you turned 18 to get back at Mom for making you go to church every Sunday. You had to replace it with something. What I'm trying to say is, it's all about you, hippy! Believe me, I know what I'm talking about. I'm as big a loser as you idiots. We all are. The only difference is, I've accepted it. When will you? Have a nice day : )

WAX ON, WAX OFF

A Japanese soldier was arrested for indecent exposure when he tried to buy panties at a store while naked.

The man, on his way home from a late-night farewell party for a colleague in early September, stripped off his clothes behind a convenience store before going in and buying panties and pantyhose. "He had just his wallet and his shoes on him," said the spokeswoman from the Matsushima air base in Miyagi, northern Japan. "He thought it would be funny if he went into the store stark naked, that it would surprise people."

Why should anyone be surprised by anything in a country with game shows where they hook your balls up to car batteries in case you miss a question? I think the real story here is that Japan has a military. When did we let that happen? Last time I checked, Grandpa's ship was getting banzaied by kamikazes back in WWII. These guys shouldn't even be allowed to have an airport.

"Wrong ansah, Joe!"

Why can't there be more Japanese people like Mr. Miyagi? He taught Daniel that 15 year old-looking 40 year old Italian stereotypes can learn to fight back against WASP blonde bullies by waxing cars and painting fences.

"Ok, now blindly run into my foot with your face."

SEXUAL CHOCOLATE

I can't decide if this is racist, mildly pornographic, or advocates cannibalism. Why choose? We'll call it all those things.



Was she licking his butt?

DOGGYSTYLE

Man's best friend managed to drive a car more skillfully than the average 16 year old girl:

"A dog waiting in a car while at a car wash slipped the vehicle into gear and drove in a loop before the car came to a stop."

The dog was a pit bull, so I'm a little surprised it didn't pull a gun and start shooting when police arrived. Hmm, I wonder where Rover learned this kind of behavior.

I knew it!

It all makes sense now. I was wondering why cars have been swerving to hit cats in the road lately. The next time you're playing frisbee in the park, don't be surprised if you get run over by a Hummer.

Better make his a provisional license.

BATTLEFIELD EARTH

Some people are happy and some people are sad about yesterday's election outcome. What most of them don't understand is that it doesn't matter who won because in 2012, the space aliens and the Mayans will team up with Mel Gibson to defeat Indiana Jones and the kid from Transformers to destroy the world anyway. It's in the Bible. Don't you feel foolish now?

The Intergalactic Unholy Axis of Allies

What really makes me sad is that Sarah Palin will be going away now. She's hot--and not in that way politicians are usually described as hot. Bill Clinton was not hot. He was fat, pasty, and creepy.

"I win, cripple!"

Sure, Palin has that shrill, inexplicably Midwestern sounding accent, but who cares? Just turn the sound off. That's what Obama voters did for the last year.

There she is, Miss Vice President (First Runner Up)

But what about that other prominent female politician?

"I'm sorry America, I'm afraid I can't do that."

That's ok, we don't mind.

JESUS IS JUST ALRIGHT WITH ME

Jesus Christ announced at a sparsely attended news conference today that he will be retiring as Lord and Savior of the world. "I've been thinking about it a lot lately, especially after I tore my ACL," the Israeli-born son of God said. "I figured it was time to hang it up. I've had a good run, but I wanted to go out on my own terms, not get pushed out like so many guys who stick around past their prime."

This comes on the heels of Barack Obama's historic victory in the 2008 US Presidential race. The Alpha and Omega said that he had heard great things about Obama, and felt confident that the newly elected leader would be able to assume the vacated role of Prince of Peace. When asked if he voted for Obama, Jesus replied, "Are you kidding? He's a little bla...uh, I mean, liberal for my tastes." Christ plans to retire to Palm Beach County in Florida, an area known for its heavy support for friend-of-the-Jews Pat Buchanan in the 2000 election.

Obama will now focus on making the transition to the Presidency, including formulating plans to follow through on his promises to reduce sea levels using magic, grow money on trees to give to people who don't work or pay taxes, tax business into oblivion without affecting the economy, stop terrorism by being really nice, harness naivete and white guilt to make power and solve our energy crisis, and look super cool to spoiled Ivy League womens' studies majors.

"God damn America! LOL!"

EVERYBODY WANG CHUNG TONIGHT

Isn't it sad the way your music collection gets softer as you hurtle ever so closer to merciful, blessed death? Maybe there's some correlation between the ability to get an erection and your musical tastes. As your wiener gets more flaccid, so does your music.

This is Bob...he listens to Journey.

I'm certainly not immune to this phenomenon. I get it up about as often as Scarlett Johansson says something profound. And over the years, some very estrogen-friendly music has crept into my playlist. Testosterone-fueled 21 year old Randall would not be pleased.

Being a whore is, like, so empowering and stuff.
Vote for Obama. He's totally black!

On the other hand, I still have all my old, abrasive music, which creates an odd combination. I'm concerned that listening to Ace of Spades followed by Sister Golden Hair will create a tumor in my brain.

So what are we to do? Must a choice be made between loud/angry and soft/sissy music? Am I going to get cancer? Will your penis ever work again? How do we put the wang back in Wang Chung? Wait, what?

"No on Prop 8. Just saying."