Jesus Christ announced at a sparsely attended news conference today that he will be retiring as Lord and Savior of the world. "I've been thinking about it a lot lately, especially after I tore my ACL," the Israeli-born son of God said. "I figured it was time to hang it up. I've had a good run, but I wanted to go out on my own terms, not get pushed out like so many guys who stick around past their prime."This comes on the heels of Barack Obama's historic victory in the 2008 US Presidential race. The Alpha and Omega said that he had heard great things about Obama, and felt confident that the newly elected leader would be able to assume the vacated role of Prince of Peace. When asked if he voted for Obama, Jesus replied, "Are you kidding? He's a little bla...uh, I mean, liberal for my tastes." Christ plans to retire to Palm Beach County in Florida, an area known for its heavy support for friend-of-the-Jews Pat Buchanan in the 2000 election.
Obama will now focus on making the transition to the Presidency, including formulating plans to follow through on his promises to reduce sea levels using magic, grow money on trees to give to people who don't work or pay taxes, tax business into oblivion without affecting the economy, stop terrorism by being really nice, harness naivete and white guilt to make power and solve our energy crisis, and look super cool to spoiled Ivy League womens' studies majors.
"God damn America! LOL!"
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